Preparing for "Mr. Right"...

So... you're praying for a man. You're praying for a handsome man; a man with physique and eyes that light up the night. You're praying for a man with education and strong financial status, who goes to church and loves his family. You're praying for a man that has the potential to be more than just a dinner date on one random Friday night. You are praying... but are you preparing?

In this Facebook generation we live in, I've noticed some concerning trends from women of the "Christian" community regarding their expectations (or demands) on dating and relationships. Sometimes, the waters seem murky between "Christian" dating and secular dating. Christian women fall prey to pre-martial sex, just as much as unbelievers do. Standards begin to fall, while demands increase and expectations are unrealistic, yet blessings are still assumed to fall in line. What is going on within our hearts and minds? How do we navigate the waters of dating without completely drowning ourselves in the waves of pop culture and the world's false advertisements?

First and foremost, it's imperative that we, as Christian women, recognize that our lives should be lived out differently than the world. This includes our dating lives (Romans 12:2). Everything we do should be different: the way we love, the way we date, the way we approach various situations. We cannot pattern our relationships after Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, then pray for blessings from a Holy God. We shouldn't  be quoting Cosmopolitan magazine articles in our Facebook status regarding the "5 Steps to Keep a Man Interested", because odds are, they defy what scripture says. These sources should have no prevalence in our lives, because they are not based on true love or God's expectations concerning how to love. We must remember that love is deeper than pretty faces and cute skirts on a Saturday night. I'm not saying that the secular world can't give solid advice, but we have to be sure that we are conducting ourselves in the likeness of Christ and not in the likeness of society, whose rules (or lack there of) do not reflect the holiness that God encourages us to live by. Our men must see Jesus in us. That is true beauty and will prove to be our strongest asset in terms of a lasting relationship in dating and in marriage.

Next, we cannot continue to demand from a man what we are not demanding from ourselves. Do you want a man with money... well, how are YOUR finances? You want a man who will bend over backwards for you and take care of you and treat you like the queen you are... so are you willing to give as much and pour as much into him? You want a man who will wine and dine you, but are you capable of feeding his spirit and his soul?
1 Corinthians 10:24 states, "Let no one seek their own good, but the good of their neighbor". This is extremely counter cultural. In our society, we are told to "take care of me, first".  It is suggested in film, books and music to give only after we receive and to do only after we have been satisfied with the other person's actions. Janet Jackson's song, "What have you done for me lately", is the mindset that we continue to incorporate in our dating and relationship experiences, but this goes against scripture. Finding a Godly man requires having a Godly character. Everyone wants a Boaz, but no one is willing to be Ruth. This, my friends, is backwards living. If we want to be blessed with a man who will love us like Christ loves the church,  we must be willing to be Jesus to him as well- putting our needs and wants aside in order to pour into him and be pleasing to the Lord in the area of our relationships. In this way, no one is lacking. We should be seeking how to please the other person first. We must be willing to use our gifts and talents to pour into his life and encourage his growth in Christ, but instead, I notice many women who are so consumed with their own personal interests that they drain the men that they prayed for. Ladies...It's not all about us! Our purpose is not to get, but to give. To go about it any other way is only self-seeking and love does not abide in selfishness.

Another concern I have is the unrealistic notion that, because we are living "right" we deserve a man who will be perfectly packaged and intuitive to our desires. We want a man to take us for our flaws and all... but when He is vulnerable with his struggles or opened to share his past mistakes, is he given the side eye and labeled "too complicated"? As Christians, it's important that we realize that no matter how much we pray, hope and dream for "Mr. Right", there will always be imperfections in his heart; just like there are imperfections in ours. He is God's work in progress, too, just like you. Galatians 6:2 tells us that we are to carry each other's burdens, meaning, we aren't to abandon someone just because they sin differently than we do or because they have struggles in their lives. We need to be able to operate in the Love of Christ, recognizing that what Christ has done for us, we must then do for each other. Remember, at the end of the day, that man is not just a boyfriend, fiancé or husband... he is our brother in Christ and we must treat him accordingly!

Lastly, I am concerned about the exposure we are opening ourselves to that warp our expectations of how relationships are suppose to be. We need to stop putting so much emphasis on feelings and fairy tales. The rose colored glasses are only cute in selfies... not in real life. To think that dating a Christian man means no problems and no tears is immature at best...stupid at worst. Whenever two flawed people join together, there will be problems; that's a guarantee. There will be mistakes, broken promises, misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Oh, but there will be joys as well! There will be confidence and encouragement, strong identity and guilt-free experiences; but we must be willing to take the risk and the leap of faith. Relationships are not about finding your personal happiness and comfort zone; they are about revealing God's holiness within one another and working together to form a life of unity that reflects Christ. Pain proceeds joy and joy proceeds pain. You cannot have one without the other, so if you are looking and praying for a relationship that excludes hard times, then my advice to you is to buy the world's coziest pillow and snuggle up alone, because that's more realistic. Just as Jesus was willing to endure hurt for our sakes, we must be willing to endure hurt for each other's sake, "knowing that we are full of joy even when we suffer (go through difficult times). We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on and persevere. This perseverance produces character. Character produces hope. And hope will never bring us shame. That’s because God’s love has been poured into our hearts" (Romans 5:3-5).

The love God has poured into our hearts is not for us to horde for ourselves, but to share willingly. In this day and age, people give up so easily. One mistake and we're on to the the next guy. One disappointment and we have cut off a fellow believer. One misunderstanding and we have rejected the opportunity for growth, encouragement and support for someone else. Ladies, this will not do! Where is our love, our grace and our compassion? Where is the selflessness that we are called to exercise?

Katrina and Husband, Jarrett

In my two years of marriage, I have grown so much as a Christian, not because we've done it all right and never had any problems, but because we established a foundation during our dating that we would never quit on each other. I for one have come to realize the beauty of serving and what it means to put someone  before myself. I mess up often, but when I focus on how to lift my husband and when I fall to my knees in prayer over his life, the Lord begins to do some amazing things! Marriage, my friends, is not about a man rescuing us. It's not about Him providing for our securities or about us being adored 24/7... really, it's all about Jesus. When he is wrong, I love him through it. When I am wrong, he prays for me and encourages me to seek Jesus. It's not an error-proof life, but it is so worth every sacrifice and element of discomfort. The Joys truly outshine the pains and knowing what I know now, I wouldn't want it any other way. In our dating we were preparing through our individual pursuit of Jesus. Jarrett and I dated for 3 years and struggled in our boundaries, but God blessed us to keep our bodies pure until marriage because we were more concerned about each other's relationship with God than we were for our own physical desires. We argued about family differences, but God is now creating a special family between the two of us that we can develop together. We hurt each other by revealing some very sensitive mistakes from our past, but God has used those disappointments to grow our trust for one another and in Him. We've raised voices in anger and even slammed doors out of frustration, but God has opened the gates of our hearts to experience and create a genuine love for each other and reflect Christ's unfailing love in this ministry of marriage.

Ladies, I want to encourage each of you who are in your place of waiting and praying for your spouse... do it God's way! Don't cut any corners or compromise what you know is right. Don't compare yourself to friends that date recreationally and have 3 and 4 boyfriends on the side. That's not love. That's not Christ! His vision for you far proceeds beyond the temporary flattery this world has to offer. Jesus has a specific and purpose filled plan especially for  you. When you date and love God's way: putting the Lord first, seeking how you can serve, loving through the pains and building your relationship on scripture, then you experience a freedom that goes beyond the comforts of simply just having a man. It becomes a lifestyle and a true blessing... with no hindrances, guilt or regret. The process will never be perfect, but we must begin to prepare our hearts now so that when he comes, we will be ready and equipped! God has a  man already in mind and in preparation for you, but you will miss out on him if you try to do things outside of Christ's will. So don't give up on doing what is right (Galations 6:9)! A reward waits for those who wait on the Lord. Trust me. I know this all too well. In your singleness, it can get lonely, frustrating and tiresome; but the results of your waiting will be worth it all! I challenge you to pattern your love life after the love that Christ has established in you. Your future man will see it, and he will praise God for your light and faith!

Be patient in your preparations, my loves... "Mr. Right" is not so far away.

~Pearls

How to Pray for Love

The Wedding season is once again among us! David's Bridal commercials are popping up everywhere, Facbook accounts increase with engagement announcements, reception pictures, blinged out rings and white gowns. For many of us, we can smile at every invitation and picture we come across. For some of us, it is a painful reminder that our time has not yet come.

My friends and I often have these discussions about relationships, marriage, dating in purity and waiting on the Lord. There are books, social communities, advice columns and magazine articles to help guide us to "the one" but, to honestly put it, there is no absolute solution, remedy or proof to determine the sure fired way of procuring love. Dating sites are not a guarantee, racing towards the pew to get a good seat by the cute guy in church is as silly as it is disappointing and reaching to get a good look at the guy in the checkout line in front of you, only to see that he already has a wedding ring, is just plain embarrassing! Truth be told, looking for love can be exhausting and frustrating. Yet, for the believer, we know that love is not based solely on only acquiring it, but also on offering it, as well.

Trust me...I know the highs of relationships and the deafening lows, but through it all, God has been faithful! Within my 10 year window frame of dating,  I experienced countless heartbreaks, broken hopes and burning tears. I'd been rejected, cheated on, lied to and ashamed. But God is good!

About the age of 24, I found myself at a place where I needed direction, because my own impatience and attempts for love were failing miserably. I remember my mother telling me, "Trina", until you fall in love with Jesus, you will never understand or appreciate how God created you to be loved".
This coming Monday, my husband and I will be celebrating our second year of marriage. For 3 years, we dated in purity: I was a virgin, he was practicing celibacy and we were determined to stay committed in obedience. I was 28 years old when I walked down the isle and I am thankful for such an incredible blessing!

Through it all, my mother's words never left me... there came a day when I realized that I HAD to learn to fall in love with Jesus! His love illuminates our understanding of what true love was intended to be. In other words, the world has it's version of love, but it will never fulfill us. It is temporary and contingent. It is self seeking and based upon carnal emotions that are here today and gone tomorrow. But the love that comes from God is eternal and when we trust our love to Him, he brings us someone who will not only understand God's love, himself, but will also be experienced enough to share that same love with us. He won't be perfect:  there will be mistakes and struggles, let downs and misunderstandings;  but through it all, the eternal love of God will overshadow where both of  you lack.

In this wedding season, where smiles and celebrations seem to be flaunted and plastered in every direction, I think about those of you who are struggling in your singleness, searching for meaning, relationships and fulfillment. I promise you, none of those things will exist outside of Christ. If you want someone to share your heart with, start with Jesus. Invest in a love relationship with Him, first, and allow Him to mold your heart in preparation for the one that He has created for you. In this way, you will find meaning, fulfillment and purpose that you will be able to share with that someone special. 

While you are waiting, wait for the Lord. Share your heart with Jesus! Tell Him about your anxiousness, disappointments, sadness and expectations. Pray that He begin to prepare your heart and create within you a love that is stronger in giving than it is in receiving. Ask for discernment to recognize the one that God will place in your path and pray for a spirit of contentment in your waiting process. Finally, pray for your husband as well. Not just that he will come, but that he will be strong in the Lord. Pray for his family and his friends. Pray over his finances and his future. Cover his struggles and temptations in prayer (because believe me, he will have them!). Pray over his exams in school and over his accomplishments. Ask God to prepare His heart for you, as He prepares your heart for him and I promise, "Mr. Man" may not show up the next day, but those prayers will not go out in vain!

Pray without ceasing... Pray for love!

~Pearls

Argue in the name of Love

Last week, my husband and I were headed down the road towards a pretty unfriendly disagreement. I must admit that it was completely my fault. I over reacted (like usual). I spoke too soon (like usual). I failed to consider all of the facts (like usual).

In my close circle of friends, which pretty much consists of all of the members of Pearls of Hope, we have developed, for the most part, a pretty telepathic form of communication. We can read each other's emotions and do a pretty good job of interpreting the body language of another woman. We understand the meaning of a sigh, or the teary eyed look from a friend. But I have to admit, it never dawned on me that this form of communication was/is foreign to my husband, and many men for that matter.

During our argument, I was waiting for him to interpret my body language, perceive my unspoken thoughts through my tears and gestures. I was hoping for his "AHA" moment to happen, without my use of words or verbal expressions of my feelings; yet when I did not receive an indication that he understood me, I began to become frustrated and, let's just say that the scripture "slow to speak" was no longer resonating in my thoughts. Thankfully, the Lord, in His tender kindness, has a way of stepping in and calming the storms of our hearts. Because Jesus is our center, we were able to lovingly resolve the tensions and misunderstandings, before any ship wrecks occurred!

Ladies, although I am only still a newly wed, I want to empress upon you the importance of being vulnerable within your relationships. Our husbands, boyfriends, friends, families- they are not mind readers. Jesus is the only one who can peer into the crevices of our hearts; it's foolish to expect another person to preform a task that we ourselves are not capable of doing. There is nothing wrong with arguments; in fact, conflict is needed to allow a relationship to grow. Healthy conflict will result in you learning more about yourself and your loved one. It brings out our true nature, flaws, weaknesses and strengths- all of which is necessary to be exposed, if we are desiring to build an honest and open relationship with someone. But we have to be willing to expose ourselves if we expect to gain the trust and confidence of the other person, in order for them to do the same with us.

Below is an article from Relevant Magazine. I thought it might be helpful for those of you who need a little lesson on arguing in a healthy and loving manner. It's focus in on marriage, but really, the information can be applied to any relationship. I hope this will help you and encourage you in your journey with Jesus.

Remember, our Lord is a relational God. He wants us to build and grow in His grace and share His love with others.

Be honest, be kind and be blessed!

~Pearls
RELEVANT MAGAZINE: 8-things-every-healthy-marriage-has