Preparing for "Mr. Right"...

So... you're praying for a man. You're praying for a handsome man; a man with physique and eyes that light up the night. You're praying for a man with education and strong financial status, who goes to church and loves his family. You're praying for a man that has the potential to be more than just a dinner date on one random Friday night. You are praying... but are you preparing?

In this Facebook generation we live in, I've noticed some concerning trends from women of the "Christian" community regarding their expectations (or demands) on dating and relationships. Sometimes, the waters seem murky between "Christian" dating and secular dating. Christian women fall prey to pre-martial sex, just as much as unbelievers do. Standards begin to fall, while demands increase and expectations are unrealistic, yet blessings are still assumed to fall in line. What is going on within our hearts and minds? How do we navigate the waters of dating without completely drowning ourselves in the waves of pop culture and the world's false advertisements?

First and foremost, it's imperative that we, as Christian women, recognize that our lives should be lived out differently than the world. This includes our dating lives (Romans 12:2). Everything we do should be different: the way we love, the way we date, the way we approach various situations. We cannot pattern our relationships after Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, then pray for blessings from a Holy God. We shouldn't  be quoting Cosmopolitan magazine articles in our Facebook status regarding the "5 Steps to Keep a Man Interested", because odds are, they defy what scripture says. These sources should have no prevalence in our lives, because they are not based on true love or God's expectations concerning how to love. We must remember that love is deeper than pretty faces and cute skirts on a Saturday night. I'm not saying that the secular world can't give solid advice, but we have to be sure that we are conducting ourselves in the likeness of Christ and not in the likeness of society, whose rules (or lack there of) do not reflect the holiness that God encourages us to live by. Our men must see Jesus in us. That is true beauty and will prove to be our strongest asset in terms of a lasting relationship in dating and in marriage.

Next, we cannot continue to demand from a man what we are not demanding from ourselves. Do you want a man with money... well, how are YOUR finances? You want a man who will bend over backwards for you and take care of you and treat you like the queen you are... so are you willing to give as much and pour as much into him? You want a man who will wine and dine you, but are you capable of feeding his spirit and his soul?
1 Corinthians 10:24 states, "Let no one seek their own good, but the good of their neighbor". This is extremely counter cultural. In our society, we are told to "take care of me, first".  It is suggested in film, books and music to give only after we receive and to do only after we have been satisfied with the other person's actions. Janet Jackson's song, "What have you done for me lately", is the mindset that we continue to incorporate in our dating and relationship experiences, but this goes against scripture. Finding a Godly man requires having a Godly character. Everyone wants a Boaz, but no one is willing to be Ruth. This, my friends, is backwards living. If we want to be blessed with a man who will love us like Christ loves the church,  we must be willing to be Jesus to him as well- putting our needs and wants aside in order to pour into him and be pleasing to the Lord in the area of our relationships. In this way, no one is lacking. We should be seeking how to please the other person first. We must be willing to use our gifts and talents to pour into his life and encourage his growth in Christ, but instead, I notice many women who are so consumed with their own personal interests that they drain the men that they prayed for. Ladies...It's not all about us! Our purpose is not to get, but to give. To go about it any other way is only self-seeking and love does not abide in selfishness.

Another concern I have is the unrealistic notion that, because we are living "right" we deserve a man who will be perfectly packaged and intuitive to our desires. We want a man to take us for our flaws and all... but when He is vulnerable with his struggles or opened to share his past mistakes, is he given the side eye and labeled "too complicated"? As Christians, it's important that we realize that no matter how much we pray, hope and dream for "Mr. Right", there will always be imperfections in his heart; just like there are imperfections in ours. He is God's work in progress, too, just like you. Galatians 6:2 tells us that we are to carry each other's burdens, meaning, we aren't to abandon someone just because they sin differently than we do or because they have struggles in their lives. We need to be able to operate in the Love of Christ, recognizing that what Christ has done for us, we must then do for each other. Remember, at the end of the day, that man is not just a boyfriend, fiancé or husband... he is our brother in Christ and we must treat him accordingly!

Lastly, I am concerned about the exposure we are opening ourselves to that warp our expectations of how relationships are suppose to be. We need to stop putting so much emphasis on feelings and fairy tales. The rose colored glasses are only cute in selfies... not in real life. To think that dating a Christian man means no problems and no tears is immature at best...stupid at worst. Whenever two flawed people join together, there will be problems; that's a guarantee. There will be mistakes, broken promises, misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Oh, but there will be joys as well! There will be confidence and encouragement, strong identity and guilt-free experiences; but we must be willing to take the risk and the leap of faith. Relationships are not about finding your personal happiness and comfort zone; they are about revealing God's holiness within one another and working together to form a life of unity that reflects Christ. Pain proceeds joy and joy proceeds pain. You cannot have one without the other, so if you are looking and praying for a relationship that excludes hard times, then my advice to you is to buy the world's coziest pillow and snuggle up alone, because that's more realistic. Just as Jesus was willing to endure hurt for our sakes, we must be willing to endure hurt for each other's sake, "knowing that we are full of joy even when we suffer (go through difficult times). We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on and persevere. This perseverance produces character. Character produces hope. And hope will never bring us shame. That’s because God’s love has been poured into our hearts" (Romans 5:3-5).

The love God has poured into our hearts is not for us to horde for ourselves, but to share willingly. In this day and age, people give up so easily. One mistake and we're on to the the next guy. One disappointment and we have cut off a fellow believer. One misunderstanding and we have rejected the opportunity for growth, encouragement and support for someone else. Ladies, this will not do! Where is our love, our grace and our compassion? Where is the selflessness that we are called to exercise?

Katrina and Husband, Jarrett

In my two years of marriage, I have grown so much as a Christian, not because we've done it all right and never had any problems, but because we established a foundation during our dating that we would never quit on each other. I for one have come to realize the beauty of serving and what it means to put someone  before myself. I mess up often, but when I focus on how to lift my husband and when I fall to my knees in prayer over his life, the Lord begins to do some amazing things! Marriage, my friends, is not about a man rescuing us. It's not about Him providing for our securities or about us being adored 24/7... really, it's all about Jesus. When he is wrong, I love him through it. When I am wrong, he prays for me and encourages me to seek Jesus. It's not an error-proof life, but it is so worth every sacrifice and element of discomfort. The Joys truly outshine the pains and knowing what I know now, I wouldn't want it any other way. In our dating we were preparing through our individual pursuit of Jesus. Jarrett and I dated for 3 years and struggled in our boundaries, but God blessed us to keep our bodies pure until marriage because we were more concerned about each other's relationship with God than we were for our own physical desires. We argued about family differences, but God is now creating a special family between the two of us that we can develop together. We hurt each other by revealing some very sensitive mistakes from our past, but God has used those disappointments to grow our trust for one another and in Him. We've raised voices in anger and even slammed doors out of frustration, but God has opened the gates of our hearts to experience and create a genuine love for each other and reflect Christ's unfailing love in this ministry of marriage.

Ladies, I want to encourage each of you who are in your place of waiting and praying for your spouse... do it God's way! Don't cut any corners or compromise what you know is right. Don't compare yourself to friends that date recreationally and have 3 and 4 boyfriends on the side. That's not love. That's not Christ! His vision for you far proceeds beyond the temporary flattery this world has to offer. Jesus has a specific and purpose filled plan especially for  you. When you date and love God's way: putting the Lord first, seeking how you can serve, loving through the pains and building your relationship on scripture, then you experience a freedom that goes beyond the comforts of simply just having a man. It becomes a lifestyle and a true blessing... with no hindrances, guilt or regret. The process will never be perfect, but we must begin to prepare our hearts now so that when he comes, we will be ready and equipped! God has a  man already in mind and in preparation for you, but you will miss out on him if you try to do things outside of Christ's will. So don't give up on doing what is right (Galations 6:9)! A reward waits for those who wait on the Lord. Trust me. I know this all too well. In your singleness, it can get lonely, frustrating and tiresome; but the results of your waiting will be worth it all! I challenge you to pattern your love life after the love that Christ has established in you. Your future man will see it, and he will praise God for your light and faith!

Be patient in your preparations, my loves... "Mr. Right" is not so far away.

~Pearls

Being Gomer

What's the first thing you think about when the term "Bible Story" comes to mind? Let's list a few associations: What about Sunday school? Fairy Tale? Moral lessons? God? These are common responses given when a poll was taken in 2009. But there are other associations wrapped up in the Bible as well... What about sex, scandals, lies, cheating or betrayal? Odds are, those weren't on your list!

I must admit that, when going through the Bible, particularly the Old Testament, some of the accounts documented do seem a bit far fetched from the surface. There are worlds created in 6 days, a storm that drowns the whole planet, talking donkeys, Giants, mysterious beings and bread that falls from the sky... Oh my! It certainly does take a leap of true faith to believe and trust in the validity of these accounts, but in between such outlandish records, there are also common stories about unsung heroes, victors and foes who are not very much unlike you or me. They lived, they died and in between, they teach us powerful lessons about life, God, love and the importance of faith. Today, I want to introduce you to a woman named Gomer. You can find her story in the book of Hosea.

How can I describe Gomer in one word? Well, ... She was ratchet. Period. She was a hoe; a "T.H.O.T." and a prostitute! She was a liar and a thief. She sought her self- worth and identity through sex...and lots of it! She would have been the girl on campus that everybody loved to gossip about. She would have been the girl who would party her problems away, only to continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. She lived in a trap of lust and lies, always seeking pleasure and thrills, but never finding true contentment. She tried so hard to change herself. She even entered a marriage with a strong Godly man. His name was Hosea and he loved her...flaws and all. He lived a life that honored God and for a while, it seemed as if her new life with him turned over a new leaf, but the shadows of her past only laid dormant for a little bit. Soon, our Cinderella could no longer ignore the familiarity of her personal ghosts and she soon returned to the sutt and cinders of her dark past- revisiting her old habits and loose lifestyle, despite her marriage and the man who loved her. But Hosea prayed. He loved his wife regardless.

In their marriage, Gomer bore 3 children, but none of the children were conceived with her husband. She would leave her family for weeks at a time, sleeping with this man, carousing with those men, selling herself at one brothel and then the next. She hoped for something better, with someone better and she bought into the lie that sex was her ticket to happiness. She exchanged true love for wild parties and temporary pleasures; for ravishing gifts and empty promises from men who only loved what they could gain from her. She assumed that the company of successful people would gain her the entitlement of the finer things in life that she so desperately craved. But after the wine bottles were empty and the perfume faded from her skin, the men she desired would leave her and she would return home for comfort and care- tired from her wicked ways, broken from yet another disappointment. And each time, it seemed as if she was determined to change...to be the wife and mother that Hosea hoped she would be. But eventually, Gomer would slip back into the night, lured by her selfish ambitions and appetite for more, leaving behind her children with a man who was not their father. Yet, Hosea kept praying.

Eventually, as all fast living does at some point, Gomer found herself in trouble. Not pregnant
trouble, not STD trouble; but true entrapment to the extent that she could not escape on her own. She wound up with the wrong men at the wrong place at the wrong time. She found herself overtaken by their greed and they kidnapped her with intensions of selling her for sexual exploitations. The life she played with had turned on her and captured her. Sex was no longer hers to control, now she was the one who would be controlled by it!
Her captures, waisting no time, produced a public  auction of rare finds and materials the very next morning, with Gomer being the highlighted prize. I wonder the fear she must have felt that day, as her completely naked body stood on a public platform for crowds to examine and gawk at. I wonder what type of words she must have over heard from neighbors in common places: "Serves her right", they might have whispered. "That's what she gets", some may have said.
I wonder if her soul began to quiver and shake, as one man after another reached out to touch her bare flesh, uninvited. I wonder how loudly her heart must have began to beat as people began to wager for her price. What must she have been worth? $300, $900, $1000? I wonder, in the rushing of voices and the clattering of jeers, did the thought of her family flash through her mind? What regret and shame and fear she must have been carrying on that day! Breasts exposed to the sun, hair mangled and messy, hands and feet restrained so that she had no power to defined herself. But what about her heart? How was it effected as she endured this humiliation in broad daylight, over and over again?

It's easy to be turned off from this story. We could dismiss it and claim that this is a very unlikely situation, especially in our modern world. But what about in the spiritual or emotional world? Have you ever found yourself to be humiliated, in one way or another, as a result of not heeding the warnings of those who love you? Have you ever felt in control of a sin, only to discover that it was really just controlling you all along? Have you ever made such a mistake that it went public and the nay-sayers gathered around to laugh and mock you and declare, "That's what she gets"? It's happened to me before, and odds are, it's happened to you as well. We walk around with the pain, anger and shame of our guilt, declaring "no regrets", but sobbing at night because the weight is just too heavy. We can hold our head high through gossiping crowds, while our hearts slump within us from embarrassment and shame. The truth is, we are all like Gomer in one way or another. We have all found ourselves in situations where our choices lead us to entrapment, with no rescuer in sight.

I'm sure, after a few hours of being on public display, even her captures began to get frustrated. "Who will purchase this woman?", they said. "She is lovely and experienced...a true woman of the world! She will keep your bed warm and satisfy your every desire!", they may have shouted to the crowd. "Take a look at her body! See how beautiful it is", as they cupped one of her exposed breasts and then the other... public humiliation! "Which of you men will invest in such a prize?"
I imagine, her eyes closed, as hope disapated. Hot tears began to swell as regrets huddled within her heart like storm clouds. Birds sang far off in the distance, and families quickly rushed by, avoiding the scene to protect the innocence of their children. Indecent men smiled at her and argued amongst themselves, making taunting jokes and inmannerable suggestions regarding what they wanted to do with her. She was hopeless, I'm sure. Her identity stripped away, her independence for sale, her virtue slaughtered and her future fading. She probably began to blame herself, accepting this punishment for her crimes and selfishness. She probably prayed that someone would just pay the price and collect her with his other possessions so that this public humiliation would stop. She probably wrung her fingers together, beneath her bounded wrists, reflecting on the choices she would have changed if she could.
The bidding had begun. Money was being suggested for her value and her price. "I am worthless", she probably thought, as men began to push and shove each other, arguing over the woman that would only be considered little more than a collector's item.
Voices escalated in the dry desert air and from the corner of her eye, I'm sure that she was confused by commotion in the crowd. She must have noticed the people parting, and wondered what was happening to make such a scene,  as a man pushed his way through the crowd and desperately shouted, "I will buy her! What is her price? However much it is,  I will buy her... I will buy her!!!"
"You want that filth?", someone from the crowd might have questioned the man, grabbing his arm to hold him back.
"Let go", he may have demanded from the person, snatching his arm away from their grasp and rushing towards the platform. "Please take all my money, sir", the man would have said to the seller, "I will pay whatever you ask".

I wonder how Gomer must have felt, with her head hung low as she saw scruffy hands exchange money for her purchase for property. And I wonder what must have went through her mind as she lifted her eyes, just high enough to take a curious glance at her new owner, only to discover that it was Hosea, her husband whom she had left over and over again. The tears she must have cried, as he removed the ropes from her hands and feet. The overwhelming love she must have struggled to accept as he took off his own garments to cover her nakedness.
"Why?", she must have whispered, too ashamed to look him in the eye.
"Because Gomer, I love you", would have been his response. "Now let's go home".

Scripture never reveals how this experience and demonstration of love changed Gomer. But I think it's safe to say that she was never the same. Hosea's love for her compelled him to assume her guilt as his own. He put himself in the way of public humiliation to buy back what was already his for a price that was worth more than the purchase. He didn't have to, but he did. He could have said, "Well, after everything she's done to me, I'm glad to be rid of her". But instead, his love for her saw past his hurts and into her healing. She was a woman with many stains, many masks and many sins. She was used, abused, and worthless to the world. But to one man, she was his world and he gave up everything to get her back.

Jesus has done the same for you and for me. We are His Gomers.

Something to think about.
~Pearls