In this Facebook generation we live in, I've noticed some concerning trends from women of the "Christian" community regarding their expectations (or demands) on dating and relationships. Sometimes, the waters seem murky between "Christian" dating and secular dating. Christian women fall prey to pre-martial sex, just as much as unbelievers do. Standards begin to fall, while demands increase and expectations are unrealistic, yet blessings are still assumed to fall in line. What is going on within our hearts and minds? How do we navigate the waters of dating without completely drowning ourselves in the waves of pop culture and the world's false advertisements?
First and foremost, it's imperative that we, as Christian women, recognize that our lives should be lived out differently than the world. This includes our dating lives (Romans 12:2). Everything we do should be different: the way we love, the way we date, the way we approach various situations. We cannot pattern our relationships after Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, then pray for blessings from a Holy God. We shouldn't be quoting Cosmopolitan magazine articles in our Facebook status regarding the "5 Steps to Keep a Man Interested", because odds are, they defy what scripture says. These sources should have no prevalence in our lives, because they are not based on true love or God's expectations concerning how to love. We must remember that love is deeper than pretty faces and cute skirts on a Saturday night. I'm not saying that the secular world can't give solid advice, but we have to be sure that we are conducting ourselves in the likeness of Christ and not in the likeness of society, whose rules (or lack there of) do not reflect the holiness that God encourages us to live by. Our men must see Jesus in us. That is true beauty and will prove to be our strongest asset in terms of a lasting relationship in dating and in marriage.
Next, we cannot continue to demand from a man what we are not demanding from ourselves. Do you want a man with money... well, how are YOUR finances? You want a man who will bend over backwards for you and take care of you and treat you like the queen you are... so are you willing to give as much and pour as much into him? You want a man who will wine and dine you, but are you capable of feeding his spirit and his soul?1 Corinthians 10:24 states, "Let no one seek their own good, but the good of their neighbor". This is extremely counter cultural. In our society, we are told to "take care of me, first". It is suggested in film, books and music to give only after we receive and to do only after we have been satisfied with the other person's actions. Janet Jackson's song, "What have you done for me lately", is the mindset that we continue to incorporate in our dating and relationship experiences, but this goes against scripture. Finding a Godly man requires having a Godly character. Everyone wants a Boaz, but no one is willing to be Ruth. This, my friends, is backwards living. If we want to be blessed with a man who will love us like Christ loves the church, we must be willing to be Jesus to him as well- putting our needs and wants aside in order to pour into him and be pleasing to the Lord in the area of our relationships. In this way, no one is lacking. We should be seeking how to please the other person first. We must be willing to use our gifts and talents to pour into his life and encourage his growth in Christ, but instead, I notice many women who are so consumed with their own personal interests that they drain the men that they prayed for. Ladies...It's not all about us! Our purpose is not to get, but to give. To go about it any other way is only self-seeking and love does not abide in selfishness.
Another concern I have is the unrealistic notion that, because we are living "right" we deserve a man who will be perfectly packaged and intuitive to our desires. We want a man to take us for our flaws and all... but when He is vulnerable with his struggles or opened to share his past mistakes, is he given the side eye and labeled "too complicated"? As Christians, it's important that we realize that no matter how much we pray, hope and dream for "Mr. Right", there will always be imperfections in his heart; just like there are imperfections in ours. He is God's work in progress, too, just like you. Galatians 6:2 tells us that we are to carry each other's burdens, meaning, we aren't to abandon someone just because they sin differently than we do or because they have struggles in their lives. We need to be able to operate in the Love of Christ, recognizing that what Christ has done for us, we must then do for each other. Remember, at the end of the day, that man is not just a boyfriend, fiancé or husband... he is our brother in Christ and we must treat him accordingly!
Lastly, I am concerned about the exposure we are opening ourselves to that warp our expectations of how relationships are suppose to be. We need to stop putting so much emphasis on feelings and fairy tales. The rose colored glasses are only cute in selfies... not in real life. To think that dating a Christian man means no problems and no tears is immature at best...stupid at worst. Whenever two flawed people join together, there will be problems; that's a guarantee. There will be mistakes, broken promises, misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Oh, but there will be joys as well! There will be confidence and encouragement, strong identity and guilt-free experiences; but we must be willing to take the risk and the leap of faith. Relationships are not about finding your personal happiness and comfort zone; they are about revealing God's holiness within one another and working together to form a life of unity that reflects Christ. Pain proceeds joy and joy proceeds pain. You cannot have one without the other, so if you are looking and praying for a relationship that excludes hard times, then my advice to you is to buy the world's coziest pillow and snuggle up alone, because that's more realistic. Just as Jesus was willing to endure hurt for our sakes, we must be willing to endure hurt for each other's sake, "knowing that we are full of joy even when we suffer (go through difficult times). We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on and persevere. This perseverance produces character. Character produces hope. And hope will never bring us shame. That’s because God’s love has been poured into our hearts" (Romans 5:3-5).The love God has poured into our hearts is not for us to horde for ourselves, but to share willingly. In this day and age, people give up so easily. One mistake and we're on to the the next guy. One disappointment and we have cut off a fellow believer. One misunderstanding and we have rejected the opportunity for growth, encouragement and support for someone else. Ladies, this will not do! Where is our love, our grace and our compassion? Where is the selflessness that we are called to exercise?
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| Katrina and Husband, Jarrett |
Ladies, I want to encourage each of you who are in your place of waiting and praying for your spouse... do it God's way! Don't cut any corners or compromise what you know is right. Don't compare yourself to friends that date recreationally and have 3 and 4 boyfriends on the side. That's not love. That's not Christ! His vision for you far proceeds beyond the temporary flattery this world has to offer. Jesus has a specific and purpose filled plan especially for you. When you date and love God's way: putting the Lord first, seeking how you can serve, loving through the pains and building your relationship on scripture, then you experience a freedom that goes beyond the comforts of simply just having a man. It becomes a lifestyle and a true blessing... with no hindrances, guilt or regret. The process will never be perfect, but we must begin to prepare our hearts now so that when he comes, we will be ready and equipped! God has a man already in mind and in preparation for you, but you will miss out on him if you try to do things outside of Christ's will. So don't give up on doing what is right (Galations 6:9)! A reward waits for those who wait on the Lord. Trust me. I know this all too well. In your singleness, it can get lonely, frustrating and tiresome; but the results of your waiting will be worth it all! I challenge you to pattern your love life after the love that Christ has established in you. Your future man will see it, and he will praise God for your light and faith!
Be patient in your preparations, my loves... "Mr. Right" is not so far away.
~Pearls
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